But you don't look sick.

This is a wonderful example of how people like myself and others have to deal with day to day life.

The spoon theory

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com

oversharing

Have you ever just had one of those days? I'm talking about when life has kicked you so many times that you feel like you're down for the count? Then, you need to vent. The problem is to who?

I've found myself there lately. If I'm being honest, I've been hanging out there a lot lately. I know that this is hard to believe, but I don't have a very best friend outside of my marriage. . Note that I said outside of my marriage. John Mark, my husband is my best friend. Here's the crux of the problem- everyone that is married for any length of time encounters problems or issues. That's just human nature. When your best friend is your life partner, who do you take all your issues to? I have several close friends.,but none who would be okay with all of my issues in their lap. I truly envy those who have relationships that have withstood the test of time and life. Please don't get me wrong, I have several very trustworthy friends who I can call if needed, it's just not the same.

All that being said brings me to my topic of conversation. Oversharing. Recently, I found myself kinda desperate for someone to vent to. Sometimes life can drag you down and it's hard to find a way to the surface. I found myself turning to someone who I barely know. I don't have their phone number. I don't know where they live- I have a general idea, but I've never been to their home. I know this person is a Christian and strong in their faith and that is the reason for choosing them. I can only speculate on what they'll think when they get my email. They may think that I've gone off my rocker. I don't know. The only thing that I do know is that I may have overshared a little and that I would appreciate some prayers.

Fortunately, that e-mail wasn't a catastrophe. I heard back from my friend and I'm very happy that I clicked send. Even though I was petrified afterwards that I had just scared her off, it paid off. She emailed me back within 24 hours. The advice she gave was welcomed and appreciated.

Life may get me down, but I'm gonna get back up because that's what I do. I'm not ready to give in. Not yet anyway.

It's oddly liberating to tell your secrets to a stranger. I'm not sure why, but it helped. Never know, I might start randomly talking to people I don't know about life's problems. They may think I'm weird, but let's face facts. I am. But I'm ok with that. So if ever you feel like I do, Judy email a stranger or someone trustworthy. Don't share your deepest darkest secret with someone who is going to blab to everyone they know, that won't end well for you. I think of it like confession time. If ever you find yourself in need and no one to turn to, find a stranger. Someone who barely knows you, BUT that you feel is capable of helping. You definitely don't want to make it worse. I suggest someone strong in their Christian walk or simply someone wise. Good Luck!

Hypocrite? Or Real

DYou know that in today's society to be an outspoken Christian isn't the popular thing to be. Those people are often viewed as weird or hypocritical. I know that I am not a good example of a Christian often times. I love The Lord, but often the ways of the world get in the way of my walk and I am deterred. I would love to tell you that my life is all rosy and nothing bad ever happens. I would be a liar.

I was raised in church. My daddy made sure that I was taught the bible. Some of my favorite childhood memories are of my Daddy and me sitting up late at night, having deep in depth discussions that should have been far above my understanding. He always had a way of explaining the bible to me so that my childlike mind could comprehend. He is not a patient man, but in this one aspect of life, my father always had the utmost patience- this could've been nothing less than divine intervention as I was not an easy child. 

I was what you would call mischievous. I don't remember ever being a terribly horrid child, but I do remember being, at times..... difficult to deal with. Spoiled? Maybe. Bratty? Absolutely. The perfect specimen of a child? I think not. It's an old wives tale that you will pay for your raising. If that's true, then, y'all need To go ahead and reserve my place in the mental institution. I have 3 kids and based on the reports of my husband's childhood combined with mine? I'm in trouble. I'm on a tangent- so anyway...

Even though I was raised with the understandings and teachings about right and wrong and what God said is acceptable and what is not, I found myself disregarding those teachings as a teenager. I did whatever I wanted to. I lied to my parents, I skipped school, I drank, I partied, I did whatever I wanted to that I could get away with. It wasn't that my parents just let me run wild, I just lied to them. 

Well, the thing about those lies is that eventually, they catch up to you. You are gonna pay for them in one form or another. But I learned that it's not always in the way that you think. 

My sophomore year of high school, I started dating this cute guy from Kossuth, Mark. We found ourselves in love. About a year after we met, I found out that I was pregnant. I was 16 years old. He had just turned 18. What were we going to do?! We are just kids ourselves! Panic sets in when you see those two lines. I remember not being able to breathe. Disbelief. Denial. And finally acceptance. Ohh the things people said! Terrible hurtful things. When you find yourself in that situation, congrats is not a word that you will ever hear. Decisions have to be made. What to do? 

God blessed me at 16. That 18 year old boy? He's still by my side. That baby? She's 12. And she's gorgeous. We have two boys now, too. You see, that decision that we made was to continue to love each other and to learn to love each other more. We married. We struggled. He went to college. I finished high school and went to college.

Now, I just made sound like an easy walk the park right? Not so. During our first two years of marriage, my father was gracious enough to allow us to live in his basement rent free so that we could finish school. We still were responsible for all other expenses, so we had to get jobs. Remember when I said that I was spoiled? Well, I was in for a rude awakening. You see, at 17, you don't walk into your dream job. I worked jobs that were minimum wage for years. Mark, worked in a factory for a while at night and went to school during the day. (He was sleep deprived and he's not a happy person in that state) It was a dark time for a while. We had good times, of course, but the struggle challenges your relationship, your sanity, and most of all it will shake your faith. God was and is with us though and has seen us through. About 3 years after we married, we began to get our lives on track. We found a good church home and began to learn how to worship God together. God is good. 

Now, with 3 children to raise, we are trying to teach them values and morals in a world where there are none. The lines between right and wrong are blurred. It's hard to be a good example to my children. I am not perfect. Ask anyone who knows me. I am forgetful and spastic, crazy and neurotic. I cuss and rant and rave at times. I love with a fierceness, but sometimes have a hard time with forgiveness. How am I supposed to teach my kids to be better than me? 

Only by Gods grace. That is the answer. My middle child, Bralen came to me last night and asked me what my favorite bible verse is. I answered with "Proverbs 3:5-6. Trust in The Lord with all thine heart. Lean not on thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. " I asked him what his favorite verse was in return, totally expecting a common answer like John 3:16. Instead he says" Psalms 56:3-4 When I am afraid I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise; In God I trust; I will not fear. What can man do to me? "- HCSB

I have to say that after that, tears fell. My babies are clearly learning something. I am proud that my poor example is not hindering their ability to learn about God and his importance in their lives. We do not eat in our home unless the blessing is said. We pray for those who are sick and afflicted. We attend church regularly, but not as much as we should. We are living a Christian life, but is it Christ-like? 

People (myself included) often go through the motions of life and expect that to be enough. Unfortunately, that don't cut it. God needs more from me. I know this. 

I'm ok with being that weird person. I don't want to be the hypocrite though. I am not perfect. Nor will I be. I refuse to attempt to be. But I am going to be better. 

I leave you with this, you never know when someone else is watching. You never know when your actions can influence another. In my case my children. I hope to be a better influence for them. 

KJV

Weathering the Storm

About 30 minutes south of my house in Tupelo, there has been lots of damage from tornadoes. Others in our state and surrounding states aren't as fortunate and lives have been lost. Please pray for peace for those families.

Recovery from a disaster is an emotional process. It's the time following a major adrenaline rush and the aftermath of the terror that you never really think about. We are all watching from our cozy, comfy, couches while others are searching for loved ones. We are watching selfishly upset that our nightly television programs are interrupted and we forget about those who are out there picking up the pieces of their lives.

Thinking back on that day, reminds me of my childhood and my precious grandfather. That man should've been a meteorologist. He loves to read the weather. When he would call and say that the storms were coming, you'd better be in the storm house or else! We had a few close calls, but never any major damage.

I can remember days like that when as a child when my mother would banish us to the basement to wait out the storm. In my childlike mind, I looked forward to those days. They were fun because aunts and uncles would come over and cousins were playmates. The anticipation of the unknown and the mood that the adults had was an adventure in our innocent and ignorant minds. We had a large basement and room to run. As I got older and more aware, I became fascinated with the storms. Instead of listening to my mother and seeking shelter like sane people, I loved to stand outside and watch the storms roll by. It is a beautiful, majestic and terrifying sight. All the power of God, rolling and rumbling, crashing and thrashing across the sky. It seemed to me that it was just another way of God letting us know that He is in control and that as much as we as humans want to control our own lives, ultimately, we are minute specks in the overall picture. Today, amidst the chaos of the storms and loss I am reminded of this. God is in control. He is majestic.

It also makes me nostalgic.I'm thankful for my salvation. The knowledge that if my life ended in the next hour, my story doesn't end. I will meet St Peter at the pearly gates and my name is written in the book of life. I know this. How? You might ask. Simple. I placed my faith and my life in Jesus Christ. I believe that when he hung on that cross so many years ago, that he died for my sins. I have since acknowledged that I am a sinner- no doubts there. And I have confessed those sins. I felt a conviction on my heart and admitted my sins. I asked Jesus into my heart. He resides within me. I am a Christian. I find myself at times unsure of what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, but then, it's days like the one when the tornadoes ravaged a town and I think, it's not about me. My life is to glorify Christ and to spread his love and his mercy and goodness. My life may end tomorrow, but if it does, I hope that you will remember me as a Christian woman.

http://prayfortupelo.com

Pseudotumor cerebrai/ Intercrainial Hypertension

Pseudotumor Cerebrai/ Intercrainial Hypertension 

My daily struggle. Only those who work with me or who know me well are familiar with these terms. I hate those words. I hate what they mean and what they stand for. I despise their place in my life.

Pseudotumor literally means " false tumor " meaning that my brain thinks that I have a brain tumor. However, there is not one there. My body compensates by making too much cerebral spinal fluid (CSF). This excess fluid puts pressure on the optic nerves and causes swelling and if left untreated, subsequent blindness. A product of the increased fluid is a severe pressure headache that is constant. Mine fluctuate in intensity throughout the day and can be heard in my ears with a weird whooshing sound. This disease is thought to effect overweight women in their childbearing years. They say that with weight loss your symptoms will improve. However, I am writing to you a solid 50 pounds lighter than I was at the onset of my symptoms and am actually having worsening headaches as opposed to improvement.

In order to keep blindness and disabling headaches at bay, medications such as diruetics and anti-seizure medications are required. Then, you need meds to keep the side effects of those meds at bay- potassium, vitamins, etc. 

Some of the meds have unpleasant side effects, such as tingling in the hands and feet, changes in tastes of foods( esp cokes or carbonated beverages), trouble thinking (this is a big one for me), and memory loss.

It's a never ending cycle. Depressing at times. That being said, some people have it a lot worse than I do. I've learned to take each day as it comes.

Some days are good and some days are bad. I just have to go with the flow. Sometimes I can go for weeks at a time and keep the headaches under control, other times, not so much. 

I posted this for two reasons. 

1. To let others know that there are others out here who struggle too. I just wanted to let you know that I too have this and I am here for you. 

2. For my friends and family members who do not understand what this is and how it affects me. This is what it is and what it does. 

Foreign concept

Pen and paper have totally been abandoned. My kids are being taught to type their work instead of put it on paper. As an added challenge, and because my computer died. I'm attempting to write a story on paper before typing. I've lost an ability. Backspace, copy, paste and instant edit have ruined me!!!!!! I really miss my computer. I'm very sad, and I'm very broke, so the computer is gonna have to wait. 😔

New found respect

Recently, I got a wild hair and decided to try my hand at writing. OMG! What the H. E. Double hockey sticks was I thinking? I absolutely LOVE to read. I don't mind writing, but I have a problem, other than the fact that I'm not good at it. It's called ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) with SOS (shiny object syndrome). Not a good trait for authors. 

So I planned out this storyline in my head, it was awesome. Then I thought, "outline, I need an outline." So I started that. Before I got that finished, I started thinking about my characters. "Gotta have good strong believable characters or the story is gonna suck." So I thought on that awhile. Then, I had an epiphany about how I wanted to begin the story, so I wrote chapter 1. Needless to say, my story is gonna need a lot of help and TLC.

I found a newfound respect for authors like Jennifer Armentrout who can churn out several awe inspiring books a year. How do you do that? I get on tangents, completely off the subject and have to figure a route back or do some serious editing. 

My characters are very specific in my mind. Their names, however, elude me. For the time being they are named, Hotty and Toddy and everyone else,  until their names come to light.

I'm not quite so patiently biding my time waiting for Saturday. The last book of JLA's covenant series, Sentinel, comes out. So to fill the void, I suppose I'll attempt to repair the damage my tangents have caused my story....... I'll post an update with my review of Sentinel Asap....maybe